An update and some thoughts on my Depression.

It's been forever since I've posted on this blog. So many things are changing. Emerald is almost done with Kindergarten and Charlie starts Transitional Kindergarten (it's Kindergarten for those kids who barely miss the cut off date; California is changing their Kinder start dates each year to catch up with the rest of the nation...) in the Fall. Ruby is almost 14 months old and sweet as can be.

Jacob lost his job in March from Virgin Galactic and was hired back on to work at NASA here in the lovely desert. Can you tell the excitement in my voice? ;) We were set on moving back to Utah, but since he was able to get his old job at NASA back so quickly, we knew we needed to stay here for a little longer. We even had our house for sale with 5 offers on it in the first week! So here we are....ready to survive another HOT summer here in the desert. The nice thing about living here in the Antelope Valley, is that we can drive an hour or two in any direction and be somewhere beautiful. So that's a plus. Lots of days at the beach are planned for this summer.

I've done a bit of remodeling in our home in the past few months. I took out a little wall in our kitchen to move the fridge to the other side and open up the room. It looks great! We now have an island to walk around and just need to take out the tile in the kitchen and carpet in the dining room to install wood flooring. I also took out a wall by the front door coat closet to make it an entryway. We are going to make a bench to fit in it and it will look great once I finish the painting in it. Jacob also made some built in shelving on one side of our "partition wall" (not sure what to call it...it's a half dummy wall that separates the dining room from living room). The shelving is perfect for all the kids' craft supplies. Emerald and Charlie are both so crafty with their stamps, yarn, play-doh, markers, paint, etc. I love it. We finally have a backyard too! The grass has grown in nicely and set up a swing set and play house. The kids spend hours back there...such a great break for me!

I wanted to change gears a little bit with this blog and start writing about depression. I'm diagnosed with severe major depression and have been suffering from this mental illness for the past 4 years now. I've noticed on Facebook how open some people are with their feelings (and complaints! lol) and at times it really annoys me, but I've learned that I need to be more open with others about my depression. Rather than do that on Facebook (I don't think it's appropriate), I'd like to write about depression on my blog. I would like to educate people on the illness in hopes that they can understand me better and offer support. It's difficult being away from close family while going through something like this. But what makes it harder, is that my family doesn't understand what it's like for someone with depression. Depression is not like a cold. I can't be given medicine to "kill the infection" and then be fine in a week or ten days. I don't spend time in the hospital, come home and I'm magically all better.

This year has been rough.

In January I spent a few days in the Mental Health Unit at the AV Hospital for having suicidal ideations (ideas of suicide). Yes, I take my medication every single day. Does it help? Most days, yes. But I still have not found the right dosage and mix of medicine to help me completely. My hospital stay in the AV Hospital was not the greatest experience. I noticed how differently people treat you when placed in a facility like that. Most patients there have issues with drugs and alcohol and most of them are very young. I have no issues with drugs or alcohol and I was the only patient there at the time with a spouse and kids. It was difficult for me to communicate with these other patients when our sources of depression are so different. Another problem with that facility is that we were not allowed to go outside. Do you see a problem with that? I felt like a prisoner. Like I had committed a crime and was in trouble. I couldn't wait to get out of there. So I did what I was told, went to group therapy, ate my food, had adequate sleep, took my meds. And I was out.

In March, I was rushed  (by my husband) to UCLA Hospital for overdosing on a medicine called Klonopin. Klonopin is used for severe anxiety and helps me go to sleep at night. Overdosing on Klonopin is fatal. I took ten of them. That day, the depression was so bad, all I had the desire to do was sleep. I am exhausted of having depression. I am really fed up with it. I want it gone. I know it is not me. It's not who I am. I am a very happy, bubbly, social person. But this mental illness has swallowed me whole and taken over. I get so sick of it that I just want to give up. It's a lot of work to overcome depression. Sometimes I don't feel that it is worth it. So this was one of those days where I just wanted to give up. I took the Klonopin and luckily, my husband knew something was wrong that day and came home to help me. He took me to UCLA (they have a much better Mental Health Unit than the AV Hospital and Jacob was hoping they would have some open beds for me). Unfortunately, they didn't have any open beds there and I was placed there for HOURS just waiting for a bed to open somewhere else so I could be transferred. I was placed on a 5150 hold (unvoluntary psychiatric hold). I was confined and under strong surveillance since I could be a danger to myself or others. Because of this 5150, I am not allowed to buy a gun for 2 years (I think). After hours of waiting in a confined room at UCLA, I was transferred by ambulance to the Henry Mayo Memorial Hospital in Valencia, California. When you arrive at a Mental Health Unit, they take away anything that you could use to hurt yourself or others. You are not allowed any kind of string on your jacket, no shoelaces, no headbands, nothing sharp, etc.  My stay at Henry Mayo Hospital was wonderful. The staff was very caring and treated the patients there like human beings and not criminals. It was clean and we were allowed to go outside everyday! That was the best part...I got to shoot hoops with my mental health peeps. :) I made some good friends there. Lots of group therapy and I had some great sleep each night. Legally, I had to be help there for 72 hours and I was released after that.

Coming home is exhausting. Draining. It's like I just get pushed right back into the heat of things. It's hard. It's hard to be strong for my kids. Hard to explain to them why Mommy was in the hospital.

I found a great example of a letter that was written by a mental health patient to her family. This letter is for the families/friends of those that are mentally ill. It explains everything perfectly.

My Dear Family:

This letter is a plea for your compassion, understanding and patience. We have just come through an episode of my mental illness. As a result of this episode, I am now exhausted. Maybe I look alright to you, but inside I am wounded. Even the least stress, the least effort is overwhelming to me. I need to just sit and pull myself together. I need to sleep a lot, and not do much at all. This may go on for quite some time.

It may be hard for you to see me this way. You may feel it is your duty to help me "snap out of it". You may be wondering if I am using this as an excuse to be lazy. Please be gentle with me; let me heal.

If you want to do something for me, there are three things I would appreciate.

1. Learn about my illness. This is an illness of the brain and body, just like any other disease. It also affects my ability to think, feel and behave. Learning about the illness may help you put any difficulties I have caused in perspective.
2. Help me find effective treatment. This takes patience and persistence. In my present state, I may not have the energy to follow through by myself. I may need you to advocate for me, until we find people and medicines that really help.
3.  Listen with an open heart and an open mind. Don't try to advise me. Just listen while I work this out for myself. Your trust and understanding during this time of rest and recuperation will help me feel confident enough to decide when I am able to step (perhaps gradually) back into life activities.

Thank you for your support and compassion. It will make my path to recovery more smooth and sure.